i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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