You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
