he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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