Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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