i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
