I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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