I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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