Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
