Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
