The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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