I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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