When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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