Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
