Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
