I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
