Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
