I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
