never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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