I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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