No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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