I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
