He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
