Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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