I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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