Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
