My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
