I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
