Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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