Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Rumble strips road head = magical
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
