Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
