Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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