Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
