Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
