what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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