i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
