It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
