I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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