half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
