She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
