Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
