There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
