I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
