so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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