I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
