I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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