now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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