Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
