You just made me feel so damn special
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
