Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
