Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
