Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
