Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
